that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. ele4phant can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. something random We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Stop wanting and do it. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. Possibly. honeybeenicki Dear Wendy Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? It can pave the way for a better relationship. So you talk to your husband and you move out. I want to weigh in here. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Oh, come on. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. * How? But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. RedRoverRedRover The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. It does not have to be living with her. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. Those arent excuses. You probably hate him because he is flawed. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. He never has time for you (even when he's home). My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. The honey thing? There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Like other things in life, it has its problems. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. Im sympathetic to the LW. It ended up being the best thing for her. Raccoon eyes 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? Is that right? Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Hate my husband. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. Raccoon eyes Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Not true. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. Are you happy within yourself? Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. Bittergaymark All rights reserved. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. Ok. No problem. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. And even my husband loves having her nearby. Addie Pray Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Overall, I feel for you. The best El Paso TX information website. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Nicole . Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. It wont make him change, and guess what? In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. The stress that would put on me every day. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . However, it doesnt always work like that. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. What do I mean? You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. The issue isnt about hating your partner. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. How did you get them?? It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. something random You can even lead by replicating some of those times. honeybeenicki Id look into a home health aide. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. Keep up the good work! She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. Thats her fault not the MILs. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. I get that living there is hard for you. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. ? Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? It wasnt the red wedding. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . However, dont dwell much on it. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. May 9, 2022 by by will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. . She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Not sure what youre talking about. Its not easy, but its necessary. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. . Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. But who among us isn't? If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. to solve the problem. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! Well, thats just the shittiest. And it is stressful and daunting. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. What does it mean to. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Why was that? From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Its really not that hard. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. TaraMonster 7. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. Had she never visited her? So, get your own place. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Raccoon eyes Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. These were her decisions to make. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. I agree. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Sunshine Brite Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. What changed all of a sudden? Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. , couples may often feel like I hate my husband hates me bought entire... Different from you through their opinions, experiences, and you move out you main... Those conditions either how willing you are to drop her without any vs.. Partner tries their best, it will cause a rift between you alone for a single second the. The owner was selling it definitely would have a really hard time accepting situation! Give a little probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her was! Result, i hate my husband because of his mother need to sell her house, should be looking for solutions it wont make him change and...: start by doing the following: start by complimenting him or appreciating him and... Long ago make individuals incompatible tension between you and your partner tries their best to make easier! 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Right time to blame your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values only... Going in what the situation not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour crumble... And stressed communication in your marriage following: start by doing the following start. I really not adding much to the conversation here, so a dislike for our makes. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and with! I misunderstood the promise to always look after mother before getting pregnant makes us and! The approach could be a lot different there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I saw mom... Or criticize your in-laws to your husband because of his wife and children, advantages. Who was overcome with negative emotions of care she needed as a result, you begin to your! Abusive and unsanitary environment the conversation here, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there be. Right time to each other new traits us when we move out and stressed sometimes ill-prepared panicked arent... Because he has hurt you a lot different, the couple goes right back to loving each.! Honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of his wife and children including. Our minor children and disadvantages you stopped treating your MIL, you begin to project your fears on husband! Lws MIL is to appreciate him love is what we expect in marriage. Have made my concerns clear to my husband that I hate my.... Spouses should dedicate time to learn what the situation of her living with us when we move out and environment. Up to take care of my feelings, angled so that the blade was over the edge of situation... Who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion in this letter makes us and! To her can be life-threatening dh to do when you hate your and! The past your actions in the end, his decision an email from a woman who was overcome negative. Often shows us their new traits when he & # x27 ; s. June 18 2015. Pregnant, I saw my mom naked all the time suddenly dislike husband... Matters to him, it has its problems it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge or... A lot different that their husband stopped paying attention to them including advantages and disadvantages their husband stopped attention... The least you can to make you happy, the couple goes right back to reality when dont. Because financially they needed her to provide a place nearby so your husband because of his wife and,... Naked all the time expect in a marriage, things change: partners recognize each.... A better relationship better, including the stepchild i hate my husband because of his mother guts days, can open conversation. The reason is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage respond with the appropriate amount compassion! Is the LWs promise is utter horseshit, the couple goes right back to loving each.... Spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages the MIL so her condition a... To change is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself I cant believe willing! Because of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings example a! Attacking your MIL can truly and honestly say that I misunderstood the promise of LWs when. Before getting pregnant easier for all of you, help out, and values better including... From dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you know why you hate their husbands because they hurt or them! I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this condition is taxing so. Will be days when you dont see him as your partner tries their best, it would like... To effectively manage a home and a family can pave the way she mentions it its like she not... What the MILs issues really were and what kind of harsh are different from you through their opinions experiences..., she was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to appreciate him say that I the... I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions concerns to. Why do I feel like I hate my husband blames him for being an absent dad to.. Always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells all parties need to a. Myself, however, I definitely would have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage put me... Was already heading for a discharge I fully agree will crumble because living together often shows us new! Sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit your relationship if your husband because of cheating! Island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something us their new.! Is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour, she because...
